Not a Version, Just Me

So here we are again.
Last time I posted was a little over a week ago, and here I am again. Amazing.

About a month ago, maybe a month and a half, I pulled myself out of a depressive hole. And I’ve never been more thankful for something I’ve done for myself. I’ve been working on getting healthier, both physically and mentally. There’s a lot of internal work happening that might not be obvious on the outside, but it’s there. It’s real.

I don’t think I’ve felt like this version of myself in years. And honestly, calling it a “version” doesn’t even feel right. This is just me. The solid me.

For a long time, I was more of a mirror than a person. I reflected whoever I was around because it felt safe. If I could be like them, then maybe they wouldn’t reject me. I think that came from a mix of introversion and fear, fear of not being enough. It takes a lot to unlearn that. To stop comparing yourself to everyone else. To quiet that voice that says you’re falling short.

And it hits even harder when someone important to you confirms those same fears. It’s like that episode of Friends where Ross makes a pros and cons list about Rachel, and every con is something she already believed about herself. When your insecurities are mirrored back at you like that, what do you even do with it?

I don’t really have a clean answer. But I do know this. It became fuel.

Maybe that was my rock bottom. Maybe that’s what triggered this kind of reawakening. I got hurt, yeah. But instead of letting that wound rot, I’m trying to turn it into something useful. Something healthy. Eventually, I want to let it go entirely, but I’m not there yet. And that’s okay.

I’m trying to get back into art, too. I just got a new stylus for my laptop, and it’s so smooth it almost feels unreal. I wish I had more to show for it, but the truth is, I’ve been in survival mode for a long time. When you’re just barely functioning, even the smallest things take everything out of you. It’s hard not to feel like I lost time, but I also know I wasn’t in a place where I could have done more.

I was just alone. Really, deeply alone.

So yeah, a lot of this is me trying to claw my way back, to build something better, something stronger.

And part of that is physical too. I’ve been working out a lot. Like, a lot a lot. The difference between now and where I was is night and day. I’ve already lost almost 10 pounds, which feels incredible, and I can tell it’s just the beginning. I’m even looking into getting a gym membership. Who knows, maybe I become a semi gym rat for a while.

What surprised me most is how much that physical effort has helped my mental state. I didn’t fully understand how connected those two things were until now. But they are. Completely.

There’s also something else sitting underneath all of this.

It’s been a year today since my sister passed.

A full year. That doesn’t even feel real. I don’t know how you’re supposed to process that. It still feels wrong, like she should be here. Like she’s supposed to be part of all of this. She was supposed to help me through life, through our parents, through everything. And now she’s just not.

I miss her. A lot.

Tonight, Travis is taking me out to one of her favorite Mexican places. I’m looking forward to that. It feels like a small way to keep her close.

And weirdly, I’m also at a point where I feel okay in my body. Not perfect, not done, but better. I can see changes. I can feel them. There’s something grounding about that, like I’m finally back in myself.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for now.

I want to spend some time working on a tattoo design for Travis and me. I started it yesterday, so we’ll see how far I can get today. I am still working my day job, of course, but it’s been a lot less intense lately, which means I can sneak in a little creative time here and there.

And honestly, that feels pretty damn good.