An Outhouse Over the Fan

Okay, so I feel like it's been hitting the fan in my life for the last week, and it continues to hit the fan.

It's kind of like there's an outhouse positioned directly over the fan of my life, and it just sprays shit everywhere because there's a continuous line of gassy people shitting in this outhouse all over my life.

That is probably the worst analogy I've ever made, but whatever. I'm sticking with it.

I feel kind of stuck because, well, it's just a lot of work to make a different choice at this point, and I don't have the energy to handle that work.

I didn't know where I'd be at the age I am now, and now that I'm here, sometimes it seems like maybe some of it was a waste of time. But everything is a learning experience, and I think that's what I'm in right now. A learning experience.

I'm a believer in moving on from life to life. Reincarnation. Living many lives. That's something I truly believe in, and I believe it for a lot of reasons.

One of the big ones is that I generally feel prepared for whatever comes my way. The issue itself may be difficult, but I usually have some kind of grasp on how to handle it. Sometimes I just know how to do a thing, and I can do it well without ever having done it before. At least not in this life.

It's actually pretty rare for something to happen to me, or for me to discover something new, that I don't feel like I've dealt with in some form before.

I don't generally talk about my beliefs publicly. Despite having this blog, I'm actually a pretty private person. I've found that most people either get jokey or think I'm joking when I mention past lives, and that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions.

Anyway...

I'm at the point where I'm tired and I yearn to just give up.

It's hard to put into words exactly how I feel.

Sometimes there are things you learn about people that you desperately want to unlearn, but you can't. Once you know something, you know it, and that affects everything moving forward.

And so here I am, just blathering on and drinking my coffee this morning, feeling like I'm on the verge of tears but nothing is really coming out.

I think that's because I'm there.

At the giving-up point.

You can only fight so long for what you want before exhaustion sets in. And sometimes what you're fighting for doesn't want you back, or doesn't want the same thing you do.

Being out of alignment is painful, but sometimes that's just how it is.

Hopefully by this time next week I'll feel like I'm standing on slightly more solid ground.

But even if the ground is more solid, there's still a fault hidden somewhere underneath it.

And I can't shake the feeling that, eventually, it's going to crack open again.