Depression & A Full Heart

I have been having a real hard time coming back here to write. I always end up on the verge of tears but I’m trying hard today. Not that tears are a bad thing.

The last entry I wrote “Good Days” was the last day the my sweet tiny old lady Bellaboo was with me in this life. I had a feeling when sitting out there on the deck with her. I understand cats and I know how they behave at times. I just didn’t want to admit it. I miss Bell so much, her being physically gone hurts every day. I’m in a bit of a depression over it and not really sure when that might change but I am working on it.

A bit has happend in the time since I last made an entry…. the following morning, Bella passed at 6:04 am in my arms in my bedroom. Her tiny soft little body went limp as she drifted off. I dont know how long exactly that I held her, rocking back and forth just crying. Sometimes I think it might have been forever but also not long enough. I eventually pulled myself up and was able to wash and clean the sick off of Bella before placing her nicely in her bed for a final rest and trip back to her birth home. She was buried a day later with other cat/pet family members. October was a rough month, not only did Bella pass but so did her litter brother and adopted cat sister (that my parents took care of).

The morning of the trip to take Bella “home,” my mother messaged me about two newborn kittens that were very litterally just droped on their property by a momma cat who wasn’t taking care of them. I almost stated balling again, it had to be Bella. I belive in a lot of things and one of them is that you may pass on but your energy goes somwhere….and just the timing of this. It had to be Bella pulling some strings somwhere. The kittens even look like Bella. So, the same morning that I buried my sweet Bellaboo, two tiny new kittens came home with me. This is the exact same way that I received Bella 15yrs ago.

I was just really blown away with everything. The emotional rollercoaster was giving me whiplash.

So now I’m just sad and depressed but oh so stupidly full of love and a warm heart for thise two new kittens. It’s been a lot of work bottelfeeding them every few hours… just like I did with Bella. It’s all worht it watching them grow and knowing that they are safe and being taken care of. I don’t think their chances of making it was very high if we wouldn’t have brought them home.

I strongly belive that Bella made it possible and that she had a fuzzy soft paw in how everything played out.

I miss her dearly.