Rain, Recovery, and Hot Tubs

Things are a lot less stressful than they have been, and I'm grateful for that.

I've definitely had my fair share of stress since the start of the year. Honestly, it goes back even further than that. Between losing my sister, getting sick afterward, and everything else that seemed to pile on, I spent about a year and a half stuck in a pretty deep depression. It was awful, and it took a toll on a lot of areas of my life.

But the past is the past. What happened happened, and it is what it is.

I've said it before, but I truly feel like I clawed my way out of that hole. It wasn't entirely my doing. There were a few things that happened along the way that finally grabbed my attention and cleared my vision enough for me to see what was going on in the real world and what I was missing out on.

I think I lost some people during that period of my life, and that's okay. That's just how life works sometimes. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, and eventually they move on or you move on from them. I think I've experienced a little bit of both. There are some people who simply aren't welcome in my life anymore, and I don't need to spend what energy I have on them. I'd rather use that energy to make my own little corner of the world better, improve the relationships I have with the people closest to me, and keep moving forward.

My birthday is coming up next week on the 2nd, and I've somehow managed to survive another trip around the sun.

It's been incredibly rainy and stormy for almost June. A week or so ago I bought one of those inflatable hot tubs and I'm hoping to get it set up tomorrow, assuming the weather cooperates. I've been thinking about getting one for quite a while and finally decided to just do the thing.

Last weekend we cleaned up the deck and got everything situated so we'd have a space for it. We're planning to put a little pop-up canopy over it too, and I think it's going to turn into a really nice spot. I'm genuinely looking forward to it.

The backyard is looking better too. We have flowers blooming, herbs growing, and a lot more sunshine than we used to. About a month ago we had to have a tree removed. It was dead. Not mostly dead. Not kind of dead. It was super dead. If we hadn't taken it down, nature would have eventually done it for us.

Overall, I feel like I'm doing better than I have in a very long time. Maybe the best I've ever been.

I'm continuing to eat healthier, lose weight, build muscle, and because of all that, I'm slowly building a level of confidence I've never really had before. Growing up, compliments and encouragement weren't exactly common in my house. My mother and sister could both be pretty harsh toward me, and I know that played a huge role in the negative self-image I've carried around for most of my life.

It's still a struggle sometimes, but I think I'm finally starting to win that fight.

As for what's next, Travis and I have been trying to expand our social circle a little. We spend most of our time with the same group of people through our D&D game and our Call of Cthulhu game. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I'd also like to meet some people outside of the tabletop community. Maybe find some folks who want to go to an art event, grab dinner, wander around a festival, or just do normal people things.

Tonight we're meeting another couple at a local restaurant, and I'm pretty excited about it. We seem to have a lot of similar interests, so hopefully we all hit it off.

In a couple of weeks we're planning to head out to the River Festival. It's a huge art fair with food vendors, artists, and all kinds of interesting things to see. Most of the artwork is way outside my budget, but it's still a lot of fun to walk around and admire it.

The animal babies are doing well. Scully and Oli are currently asleep next to me while I write this. Tuco is probably under the bed. That seems to be his favorite place these days.

I feel like I should keep writing, but if I do I'll probably start rambling about things that don't really matter. Then again, maybe that's exactly what this space is for. A place to be real, say what I think, and talk about whatever happens to be on my mind.

My birthday is coming up, and both Travis and I took some time off work. Today is basically my Friday, and it's his too. We don't go back until June 3rd, so we've got almost a full week to ourselves. I'm really looking forward to the break. My job isn't particularly stressful most days, aside from one coworker who seems determined to test the limits of my patience.

Lately I've been learning a lot about myself. I've been spending more time being introspective and asking why I react to things the way I do. Why I like certain things. Why I dislike others. Why some situations affect me so strongly while others don't.

Over the last seven months I've learned quite a bit about myself, and one of the biggest lessons has been this:

I'm not taking anyone's shit anymore.

I'm going to speak up when something matters because I deserve to. I deserve transparency. I deserve honesty. I deserve relationships that make me feel valued, respected, and secure. I deserve the things that bring me happiness, just like everyone else does.

So with that, I think I'll sign off.

It's almost time to clock out for the day, and I have about five minutes left before my vacation officially starts. Time to wrap things up, hit publish, and enjoy some much-needed time away from work.

Talk to you soon!